Monday 24th May 2010, El Molino and the degrees are rising.

A/C now on most of the time because it's bloody hot and will stay like this until it gets hotter.



The Spanish moved out in the late afternoon thank God, as when they cook they switch on all their electric cookers at once and blow our RCD so I am continuously resetting the clock and the fridge. They obviously do this quite a lot because when they pack up it's just like a military operation. Everyone seems to have a job to do, except the kids and the dogs, and know exactly how to do it. One minute they were there and then vamoose.



Good for a wash day though, so I'm filling the MS up again and emptying the tanks. The genius filling funnel is attached and the Navara washing line is up. Then the drain next to us exploded and our pitch was being threatened by a flood but before it became too bad the site handy man showed up and fixed it.



The clock SWMBO bought in Guardamar del Segura to be part of “We must get something for the MS from each place we stay” plan, is driving us crazy. When we first got it it didn't work properly and we could not take it back because the shop had shut down. I fixed it and it would go fine for a week or so then either stop and start or go slow. Tried new batteries, tried non rechargeable batteries, same result, took out the batteries so it would be right twice a day but she complained. So took it to pieces and back again and everything seemed to be OK. OK until the other day when SWMBO decided to use it to time how long to keep her Immac on. It must have started it's old tricks as she now has red patches over her legs, around her bikini line and under her nose, looks like a circus clown and not best pleased, and by the way, it's all my fault.



The Leadbetters sail today and will be with us around noon on Wednesday so tomorrow it's a big shop at Lidl (may God bless and keep it) with extra beer and wine required. Hopefully I will manage to get to a Vodafone shop at last and do the business with this phone of mine.



Planned to go on a bike ride, heading for Larraga then on to Artajona and the back to Mendigorria. A triangular route of about 16-18 miles except when we got to the bit on the Na 6020, it was quite a busy road and very much uphill so we turned back and made it a 11 mile run instead. SWMBO took a lot of pictures of nettles, flowers and cattle. She mentioned that she had never been as close to steers before and started snapping away, of course they became curious and moved as one toward her, and although there was a sturdy fence in the way she panicked and bolted, so much for getting close to them.

There were also a lot of these poles with curious devices on the top, they were water sprayers and the semi circular bit was to stop spraying the traffic!

I am getting worried about SWMBO, either she IS an alien from the planet Zog or she's somehow getting cleverer or I'm suffering the first stages of Alzheimer's. I keep remembering things that she thought of before I did, which never ever happened a few years back. In a past post I mentioned her figuring out how two spacecraft in different obits could manoeuvre and dock, putting the warning triangle either side of the hitched up Navara the night we left Roquetas and lots of other little things like that.

Just recently we were noticing that the hand wash soap dispenser, next to the sink was leaking. Both reckoned it was because it got hot in the sun and some of the soap got pumped out as the pressure built up inside it. I just moved it into the shade but the other day I noticed it had been put back. “Hey, raggy drawers, (not a good opening, I know but I think I had a beer and was feeling heroic) you've put the soap thing back, it will leak all over, nitwit!”

“Oh, I just cracked open the top a little to let the pressure out.”



Bloody hell, she IS an alien



In the evening and for the first time here the BBQ made an appearance and we sat and ate and drank until about 9:30 pm, a quick summer thunderstorm for about 5 minutes and the rest of the evening was lovely.



Tuesday and just got back from Euroski, Simply and Lidl (may God bless and keep it) and now have all the stuff we need for the L's arrival tomorrow. SWMBO is planning the usual, huge garlic prawns with spicy potato wedges (chips in chilli) for lunch, followed by her, now tamed, Moroccan lamb. Of course I'm in charge of anything alcoholic and even gone to the bother of buying wine by the bottle instead of the 3 gallon case although, as a back up, I do have a gallon of Mendigorrian Table Red, a fighting wine which is truly capable of opening the sluices at both ends.

Part of the shopping was my recently acquired taste for Magnum chocolate and nut, ice cream lollies. SWMBO picked a box of the “mini” versions, “They will stop you getting even fatter”. “OK Pet”. I'll just eat two at a time.



We now have a mobile that works! Having finally topped it up at a Vodafone shop, cool.



Anyway, when we got back to the MS, “Where's the bloody prawns and all the stuff we got specially for Derek and Jean? You left it at the supermarket didn't you, you stupid sod, I told you to make sure you picked everything up, didn't I? Can't you do nothing right? You'll just have to go back and get some more, have you checked the car? Well go on do something, don't just stand there for God's sake!”



“er...Pet, they're in that bag you brought in, next to your right foot.” (as my mini magnums were in the same bag, it had never left my sight)



I decided to leave as quickly as I could as she had just picked up the baseball bat we keep next to the door.



She is calming herself down by ironing everything twice, especially my underpants and by the look on her face she is wishing my gonads were in them.



Wednesday 26th May and the Leadbetters, after a very calm, dolphin viewed crossing of the Bay of Biscay, arrived.



Text came first, “Off ship had breakfast and re fuelled, on our way”, my reply, “Beer in fridge.”



So they got here and checked and then decided to maximise the total area we both can take up on the site. As you can see, Derek had brought along his management team, i.e. Jean. A fair amount of shouting ensured as whether to face north, toward the river, toward us, and then Jean told Derek where to put the caravan, better to apply some KY jelly first I think. Then came the awning, hells teeth! You need a bloody degree in origami to understand how to put this up, but up it went and then the workers had to have a reviving beer while management finished the technical “pegging out” and done!

Some beer was drunk.

SWMBO then brought out a lunch of prawns in garlic butter along with lots of bread and, just about cooked, chips. Some nice dry white wine was also enjoyed by all.



L's fridge was not working and Jean had managed to beat a small path back and forth to the main electric supply as no matter what she turned on it tripped the RCD. On advise the fridge was turned off and left like that.



A trip up to Mendigorria, which had Derek wondering why he had not brought his spare oxygen with him. On the way back bought some beers to replace the ones consumed and have a stock in for the rest of the evening. L's fridge was now working so in went the beer.



Then it was time for SWMBO's Moroccan lamb and vegetables, washed down with some fizz and bloody excellent!



Chatted in their awning until dark and cold, then bed, well for SWMBO that is, I fell asleep in the chair again.

Saturday 22nd May 2010 Mendigorria and another Spanish invasion.

Had a cycle ride through to Puerto la Reina, about 12 miles round trip and tried to use the cycle routes but 1) the usual small boulders and 2) Perigros Perros, that is large dogs on the loose. So helmets on and back to the road, against the wind and it was hard but downhill. Coming back was OK until we got to Mendigorria and the hills are just too steep so we pushed the bikes.

My back wheel kept jamming and the reason was my Lidl (may God bless and keep it) pannier was catching the spokes, something I thought I had resolved by putting pieces of wood in the bottom of both sides. Stopped in the village to top up on beer and fags and luckily decided to put them in SWMBO's panniers Because as I was sweeping down the hill at 25 mph, the pannier really jammed this time, ripping to pieces and spreading everything that was in them, out of them and on to the road, new panniers required I think. Bike OK, me OK, beer and fags OK, so that was a good thing,



The day started off with a “big” wash, that is the sheets off the bed etc. €4 for the “Lavado” and an hour later they are hanging up on my improvised washing line. One of the rules here is that no washing lines are to be strung between the trees, so there you go.



Another thought of genius on my part was to do with refilling the fresh water tank. Since we chose not to be on a fully serviced site i.e. just electric, I have to get the water from the nearest water font, about 200 yards away. In similar situations I would fill two 15 litre water carriers, weighting 15 kgs a piece, and stagger back to the MS and then repeat until the fresh water tank was full. Tank is about 200 litres, go figure.

Then SWMBO has to hold a funnel while I pour the water in, lifting 15 kgs up to shoulder height for minutes on end is bad enough but because SWMBO does not want to get, not a drop of water on her, a lot of it splashes all over the place as she can't keep the bloody funnel still.



So I now drive to the font and fill both 15 litres along with as many 5 litres empty Lidl water containers as we have accumulated and spend about 15 minutes doing the job. With the funnel now gaffa taped to the MS hull it's a doddle and no SWMBO required.



Now that the camp site is quite busy the lack of locks on the bog doors is becoming more of a problem, putting on the final polish with the third sheet whilst holding the door shut with one foot needs a degree of flexibility I have difficulties with. I'm going to take a broom handle next time although what the Spanish may think I'm up to God only knows.



The pictures show the scene just outside the MS on Friday afternoon and then in the evening after eight Spanish caravans have arrived next to us. Individual sites are marked out but this means absolutely nothing to the Spanish, they just circle the wagons and set up their eating area to suit, personally it doesn't bother me a bit. Well except for the odd Spanish loud mouthed women, my God their voices carry. There is one who we have called Nici, mainly because she reminds us of Nici Swan, daughter of Alan and Pat our motorcycling friends, it's the racking laugh that does it. Unusually for a Spanish woman, she is a big woman and I would not want to stop a right hand from her and when she is around everybody knows it.



All that seems to be happening is if they are not clearing up after a large meal, they are preparing for the next. Last night they started putting the tables together and getting all the pots and pans, BBQ's and all manner of electrical cooking apparatus. Blokes disappeared to the bar and the women prepared and cooked the meal, first for the kids, then the adults. Expecting a long and noisy night, we watched the last of the Sopranos and went to bed about 12:30 am.



Last week end, when SWMBO was back in Dudley, was similar but I solved the problem of being kept awake all night by wrapping myself around a large portion of Mr Johny Walker. Unfortunately SWMBO does not allow me to have this when she is around because when I actually have whisky in my possession I tend to drink it because I like it so much and then I apparently snore a lot.



Copious wine and beer do the trick as well thoughbut. So I'm going to be OK, so she decides to use ear plugs. Well they were not particularly noisy and I did not here any music at all. In the early hours SWMBO has to get up for, well...you know and when she returns to bed shrieks to high heaven and bashing me about the head to wake me up because there is a giant cockroach on her pillow. It was one of her ear plugs, bless.



Just got back from a trip to Aldi and Euroski, giving Lidl (may God bless and keep it) and Simply supermarket a miss, unfortunately all the larger supermarkets are north of Pamplona and therefore a 30 odd mile round trip so you have to stock up on things. Any other place we have stayed at, a Mercadona was at most a cycle ride away so I must make sure I get enough beer, wine and fags to last a few days and as far as eating is concerned, I have plenty of corn flakes, beans and bread, what else do you need? We also changed the Repsol 11 Kgs gas cylinder, the thing had lasted about 3 months (cooking only), exchange fee is only €9.45, how cheap is that?



We will do a final Lidl (may God bless and keep it) and Simply run the day before the Leadbetters get here on Wednesday and make sure we get enough G&T in as Jeanne L. does have a fondness for the stuff as well as a good white wine.



Which reminds me; a long time ago, well about 25 years ago, our lot and the Leadbetter family went on a two week villa holiday on the Algarve in Portugal. A number of memorable events took place. After an afternoon BBQ at which I served my special Sangria which used 15 star Portuguese brandy as a base, rum, whisky, gin and a few others were in there as well and I think I put in a little red wine and some kind of fruit. Anyway I quite liked it and probably had more than my fair share. The rest of the afternoon is somewhat of a blur and apparently, round about dark, I went missing. After a long search with even SWMBO getting a tad concerned, I was found face down, in nettles, under the bushes at the bottom of the garden. There was a slight slope and apparently I had just rolled down it until stopped by the nettles and bushes, I cannot recall a thing.



Another thing was Derek and I going and finding the only Indian take away place in the whole of the peninsular, bringing back a meal for 4 and costing about £1.35. It was bloody awful, but cheap though.





But the other memorable moment was a masterpiece in deception. Jeanne kept banging on about her great taste in wines, Mateus was her current favourite, which says enough in itself.



Derek and I had obtained a very large, about 6 gallons, barrel of white wine which was OK, but at a pinch could be used on your fish and chips. So Derek, SWMBO and me drank this each night after de-cantering it into suitable containers, to the constant derision of Jeanne. So one night we filled an empty Mateus bottle with the stuff and made sure it was chilled. She didn't notice a thing and kept up her tirade at our bad taste. This lasted for over a week until the holiday ended and each night the same, it was very difficult not to let on and burst out laughing and on more than one occasion SWMBO had to leave the table to change as she had wet her knickers.



On the last night when all was revealed, Jeanne was not best pleased and commented that she thought all along that there was something not right about her drink, yeah, right!



So now another walk up to and hopefully around Mendigorria (we don't yet know where all the paths lead) and then back to check out the open bar, the bar that's actually open that is and get some dinner. BTW 34°C in the shade.



Tomorrow I plan to try and fix the roof rack bike carrier onto the Navara, so that should be fun.

Pics

Jokes, I think.



A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts...

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please,"the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk asks testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's startin' to twitch."



Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear.

One of the men stands up and says 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my specialty spliffs. Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls

them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out.

Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care.

A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'

'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'

'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'

The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'

'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.

'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.





Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you.

Why do men die before their wives?They want to.

Why do women have breasts?So men would talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?

Her navel.

Thursday 20th May 2010, El Molino and it's still warmer in England!

Yep, not too brilliant over here, I'd thought the high winds had been left behind in Roquetas but alas, no. Apparently things are due to vastly improve starting next week so I'll dust down my cossy just in case.



Last few days haven't done a great deal but we did finally find a bar that was actually open in Mendigorria, second floor, dark and smoky but the coffee was OK and cheap. Also took some more pictures in and around the town using the “whirly thing” camera.



The turnover here is dramatic, one minute we are Johnny no mates and the next the site is half full, mainly Dutch who curiously, and I have noticed before on other sites, never dry their pots, pans and dishes etc. when they wash up? Wonder if it's a national trait or just Dutch campers?



The “extensive cycle routes” ARE cycle routes if you have tractor tires as wheels because in a lot of stretchers you have to get off and push because of all the small boulders on the path. Managed to get a printed copy of the area surrounding Mendigorria from Google Earth so we can map out navigable routes.



Today it's off to Pamplona, a city we came to know well and love when we spent a week there last July during “San Femme”, the bull run week last July. SWMBO wants to get this year's poster and perhaps a T shirt to go with the one's she bought here last time. Also get maps and other information about the town from the Tourist centre for the Leadbetters arrival on 26th May. As I have tracked down both Aldi and Lidl (may God bless and keep it) we will probably pop in on the way back as Thursday, as in the UK, is the day they both issue new special offers, so don't want to miss that.



As I got up early'ish, 6:30 am, or so and nobody was about I decided to check out the showers to find the best one. All are push button and come on for anywhere between 5 and 15 seconds, some are weak, some powerful and some vary in temperature. Took me a while and ended up with a very wet sleeve but I found the best of the bunch. Of course there was a problem, because it was the most powerful the water splashed about all over the cubicle and the glass partition was too slim to prevent my cloths becoming wringing wet. Note; take large plastic bag next time.



Now this site, when full, will probably house over a thousand campers. It has sixteen male showers but only four, yes 4, sit down traps for the men. Also only six urinals! So I'm glad we won't be here at the height of San Femme, when after a long night of eating and drinking, at least 500 backsides will be looking for some where to park. I mean women queing up for the bogs is one thing and expected, but men! Just not right, says so in the scriptures, doesn't it?



After a long series of overwhelming defeats and considering throwing her cribbage board and dominoes in the river, SWNBO managed to win at Ludo, which, let's be honest, is just about pure luck, unless of course I win, then it's tactics. So, in an effort to knock the smile off her face we played a game of draughts, a slightly more mentally demanding pursuit. Didn't take long before it was quite obvious that I was going to win and unthinking made a stupid move and the game ended in a draw. Mainly because she did not the know the end game of two doubles against a single double (does that make sense?) and I was not going to tell her. Cheered her up a bit though, better than a defeat, bless.



Thursday evening.

Just retuned from a gruelling day walking around Pamplona to reacquaint ourselves with the city, also to look for the tourist office for new city maps and the Vodafone shop to recharge my mobile. For some reason I can't get it recharged over the internet or using an ATM, by the time we had found it, it was closed and we were not going to hang around until it opened a 5 o'clock.

Had a great lunch, under a blazing sun, at the same restaurant in the Plaza del Castillio that we used nearly a year ago, great salad, steak and a lemon desert for €12 each. Got back and we are both knackered, thank God the weather's good now and we lay in the sun for a couple of hours, hard life but someone has to do it.



Now I don't know what has been going on with the picture formatting, when I post the blog everything is where I put it, when I read it as a post they are not. The last lot were supposed to be at the end and ended up at the start! So from now on I will put them all at the end and hope for the best.

Pics cover, views from the village of Mendigorria, looking down the valley and on to the campsite, you can just see the Navara in the centre of the pic. Others show our site and various pics of Mendigorria itself.

Haven't been including many jokes, mainly because I have thousands in a joke database and I never marked those I had included in the blog, so if any have been hear before, I'm sorry.



What follows appeared on the web a while ago, the guy who wrote it is a genius and a master of words and hope it is not a problem that I copy it here. It is long but you will never, ever laugh so much again in your life.



Title "AGENT" Picolax, Author, blu-tone



Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 00:42



On Thurs some Docs are looking at my insides from the wrong end if you know what I mean...



I've got to take two laxative potions; one at 0800 and one at 2000 tomorrow, but I've got an offer to go riding on Dartmoor. Will I s***t my brains out in the morning and then be fine for the day, or do I need to stay within sprinting distance of a loo?



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Agency_Scum

Date: 18/07/07 00:48



DO



NOT



GO!!!!!!!!!!!





Picolax is the pimp daddy of laxatives and you better be sitting ON the toilet when you take them. Have plenty of moiturised bog roll standing by.

Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 00:56



:-(



Although I live 20 or so miles from D. Moor, I only get to go 3 or 4 times a year!



On your advice I've just sent a 'won't be able to make it' email to my potential lift...Hope there are some entertaining threads tomorrow!





Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: FredDibnah

Date: 18/07/07 00:57



"I only get to go 3 or 4 times a year! "



Fecking hell, I bet that hurts when you do get the urge...



Ringsplitter....





You wanna try eating more fruit, surely?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Agency_Scum

Date: 18/07/07 00:59



I've seen nurses administer that to patients with a stopwatch whilst the patient's on a commode. If you're not loosing serious body weight 20 minute after taking it YOU'RE ILL OR ANOREXIC.



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 01:02



That's why I've got the Picolax ;-)



Although I can see Dartmoor from my bedroom window, not many of my frineds drive, and the ones who ride certainly can't afford a car... In fact, my best buddy just sold his car to buy some Crossmax SLRs. Well worth it, IMO, but his GF didn't agree!

Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Agency_Scum

Date: 18/07/07 01:06



Also, please don't try drinking 2 pints of real ale an hour before the 8pm dose ( oh go on ). You'll fart so hard and loud you'll terrify yourself, mind you you will be projectile sh1tting at the time so that might take the edge off the fun.



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 01:11



PMSL A_C. I'm so tempted...



Is it really that 'pimp daddy'? It sounds like you know what you're talking about.

Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Agency_Scum

Date: 18/07/07 01:26



Speak to any general nurse about it.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: _stratobiker_

Date: 18/07/07 06:11



After the first whoosh you'll be clear :)



Just go on the ride. Explain the situation to your friend, he'll understand, and take his camera.



Might be a good Idea to take plenty of water so that you don't dehydrate.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 07:47



Picolax turned my bum from it's usual semi-dormant state:

a bit like Vesuvius; an impresssive and majestic sight with occasional noxious wiffs, regular minor expulsions of dangerous matter and a very rare display of awesome ferocity worthy of international news



into:

a portal from another collapsing largely aqeous universe via which all compressed matter emerged at trans light speeds, expanding exponentially as it emerges from the "wormhole".



If you think the widespread deluges of precipitation experienced this "summer" in any way approach "Biblical Proportions", then rest assured by 09:00 tomorrow you will have ample personal evidence to entirely revise your delusion.



I will add three pieces of advice, two very useful, the other certainly very serious.





1] Wear tracksuit bottoms or other baggy style garment with elasticated waist, this might give you an outside chance.



PLEASE READ THE NEXT ITEM VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE TAKING "AGENT" PICOLAX



2] CHECK THE TIME & DATE OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER,



REPEAT



2] CHECK THE TIME & DATE OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER



3] Have a TRUSTED friend verify your reading of the details in ITEM 2





WCA, If you are looking for an INTERESTING thread tomorrow then I'll try to explain from personal experience why ITEM 2 above is so vital.



To those about to take Picolax, we salute you . . . (TBC) . . . . .



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: tyke

Date: 18/07/07 09:51



You should follow Blu-tone's advice.



Make sure that you're in 10 seconds reach of the loo. The good thing is it shouldn't be painful just fast and furious and possibly noisy!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 09:57



At popular request, please be seated.



I'd had some disturbing "signs" during daily "evacuation procedures". In the past I'd also had Farmer Giles & Family surgically evicted from my arse, so wasn't about to wait years to have any future "squatters" invade me via the back door.

Doctor took a look and with only "Breathe out" for warning, proceeded to instantly put an expression on my face more commonly associated with riders of "The Big One" at Alton towers. And believe me I FELT like I was riding a VERY BIG one. the only word I could manage was "HOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFF !!!"



Weeks later I got letter from hospital plus two sachets of "Agent" Picolax.



In true blokey fashion I then "Man Read" the letter (ie opened it scanned it and took out the "Free Gifts") re: appointment and pre-op procedure

(WARNING: mistake alert).

WARNING: F*CKING BIG MISTAKE ALERT).



Right so on "Monday the 10th I was to have an "Investigative Procedure".



And so from 36 hours prior I would be RESTRICTED TO CLEAR FLUIDS ONLY.

So no real food from 8pm Saturday night. Slap up meal Saturday teatime, then orange juice or tea without milk, or "Clear soup" (sod that), a couple of lagers can't do any harm (Erm, wrong d*ckhead but sadly that's not yer main problem, sadly no)



Sunday evening I've been on clear fluids only for a whole day. Family sit down to roast beef, yorkshire pud, gravy roasties, peas carrots followed by trifle. Never mind I'll tuck into a glass of orange juice. (TW*TTT !!)



Whilst they sit back in post scoff bliss I prepare for my first meeting with "Agent" Picolax. (cue Music from Jaws)



Read instruction on "Free Gift Number 1".

I tear the strip off the sachet [PAUSE]



remember in those stories how insignificant it seems when the cork is removed from the bottle found on the shore, and an affable Genie trapped for a thousand years pops out ?

Well hold that thought



[RSTART]



And a few minutes later . . . .



"Agent" Picolax has entered the building (orally).



Not too unpleasant, tasted a bit "lemony", to be fair if most energy drinks tasted like this they'd be more popluar.



As these foolish thoughts are noodling around in my head a butterfly in the Amazon flaps it's wings.



A storm of geological cataclysmic ferocity fuelled by an apopleptic "Agent" Picolax is gathering pace, mass and will reveal itself too late upon the unwary. Oh Yes.



Seeing as I like the odd beer I'm pretty used to the occasional "rumbly in my tumbly", so surely nothing to worry about there then ?





tick follows tick follows tock . . . . .







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Cheesyfeet

Date: 18/07/07 09:58



PMSL!!!!



People are looking at me funnily in the office and wondering why I am bobbing up and down with tears running down my face.



I salute you sir, but please, just for once I implore you - NO PICS!!!!!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 10:07



I haven't laughed so much in a long time Blu-tone ;-) Thank you so much!!!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: _Yossarian_

Date: 18/07/07 10:13



excellent work blu-tone



how much weight did you lose?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 10:15



The air was still.



The usual background drone of distant traffic had recently gone,

I did'nt notice it get quieter

it didn't happen suddenly, and

I had not gone deaf



Even the barking dogs and twittering birds had fallen confusing silent.



I was alone in my own home but suddenly felt the eyes of entire nations focussed upon one single point.



The epicentre . . .



I turned to see what it was . . .







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 10:22



I realised too late what it was that they already knew only too well, the epicentre was behind me.

But this was no pantomime villain



it was









KRAKATOA'S BIG DRUNK ANGRY BROTHER





And he'd come to kick the living shitt out of me . . . .

RIGHT NOW !!!





TBC







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Stoner

Date: 18/07/07 10:23



Im going to get fired in a minute.



Can't focus through the tears...







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: wackoak

Date: 18/07/07 10:24



one of the funniest things I've read on here, I'm getting strange looks from everyone in the office.



Please continue!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: JONV

Date: 18/07/07 10:29



i'm pummelling the refresh button through tears of laughter. This is even better than description of his vasectomy.



Do continue.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: noteeth

Date: 18/07/07 10:34



lol - it's like a book at bedtime in here.



(nursing observation: makecoldplayhistory, I've seen people faint due to the combination of not eating and, er, repeated evacuations. Not great for trail riding.)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 10:38



I read that Lake Baikal in Siberia is the largest body of fresh water on the planet.

So large that, if empty, then it would take every river upon planet earth flowing into the space a full year to refill.





OR





The contents of my arrse would do the same job in 15 minutes flat . . .





Eventually that Sunday night, as it says in the bible, the waters receded and peace returned.



Once the aftershocks (not the highly coloured alcoholic stuff) had finally diminished and ceased.



I showered my skin (there was nothing inside, not even skeltal remains) and went to bed. Setting the alarm for 06:00 in order to rise and steel myself for 08:00 Monday morning.





08:00 was my next appointment with "Agent" Picolax.



It would be an appointment that I would NEVER forget.



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: noteeth

Date: 18/07/07 10:40



(there was nothing inside, not even skeltal remains)



Glorious. One new keyboard please.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: anokdale

Date: 18/07/07 10:51



Outstanding effort blu-tone







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 10:54



OMG!!!



I need a pic of makecoldplayhistory's face while he is reading the Blu-tone experience!



Where can you get this stuff from - I want to add some to my mates camelbak!



:-)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 10:59



I awoke at almost the exact moment the alarm went off, all in all a good nights sleep. I felt warm, safe, and happy.



Lying in my comfy bed in that delicious half sleep world where Debbie Harry is still 23 and I'm at the height of my prowess as a rock GOD and Debbie really wants me sooooooooo baddd. She's wearing that red shirt with red over knee stilletto books and . . .





The Rabbit from Donnie Darko taps me on the shoulder and says "Your appointment with "Agent" Picolax, Mr Blu-tone" . . . .



[Music from Lee Van Cleef's musical stopwatch]

[Music from shower scene in Psycho]





Feeling like I'm in the lift of The Empire State Building and it's dropping unchecked



Sound of a very fat moggy desperately clawing for traction on an old school blackboard . . . . .



Oh sweet Lord in Heaven, no pleeeeeeeeeeease not that, anything but not that . . . .



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Cheesyfeet

Date: 18/07/07 11:15



Noooo. Don't stop.



Actually a pause is good, allows me to calm down and start breathing again....





This has to be one of the all time best threads.





A legend has been born







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:16



My feet are moving with all the alacrity of continental drift in the direction of AWAY.

BUT

Like in all nightmares, the harder you struggle, the faster you run away the closer the MONSTER gets. So you break, become a quivering mess and submit to



THE HORRORR



Hating yourself for being weak, "One more effort and I'd have been free !!".



TOO LATE NOW



Stand before the bathroom mirror, the EVENT the night before must have sucked the very eyes from my socket, because I can't see properly. In the mirror isn't the reflection of 5'10" 15st me, it's a huge used femidom.



I find "Free Gift number 2" (oh the irony) and like the beaten drone that I am tear open the sachet (release the Genie pent up these last 10,000 years) mix the "Magic Potion".



Then the condemned man (deprived of even a blindfold, last cigarette, Debbie in thigh boots and light years away from a hearty breakfast) raises the glass to his lips and swallows.



I'm ready for you this time though "C'mon, C'mon, Come and have a go !!!"



I spin, and park my arrrse (now deeply grooved, and splintered from the previous nights multiple megaton detonations).





I wait and very time itself pauses



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 11:19



I have absoultely no doubt whatsoever that this is going to be worth it but the suspense is killing me!



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:21



I wait



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:22



Nothing







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:23



Nope, not even the faintest pixies fart of a tremor







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:26



But I'm not gonna fall for that, if "Agent" Picolax can wait then so can I





I'm ready for ya like a spring coiled by bhuddist ninja fellers







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 11:27



So where does the 'check and double check the appointment time' come into this?



Yeah, I know patience is a virtue I did away with years ago!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:30



Distracted for the fraction of one second he's on me wringing me dry.

I wondered just where he'd been and he's about to let me know

He's dancing on my head as from my "Ring of Bright Water" emerges the Pacific Ocean and it's family, and they're in a rush.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: _Yossarian_

Date: 18/07/07 11:33



oh god we're off again.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:36



After a period of time that could have been less than a nanosecond or longer than a Genies internment, I KNOW he's gone.



I am dust,



and not much of it at that.



Time sort meself out for the day hospital, complete change of spare clothes plus 5 spare pairs of boxies (if necessary I'll wear 'em ALL, simultaneously, plus two pair of jeans, that'll minimise the death toll).







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Buckminster_Fuller

Date: 18/07/07 11:37



can you hurry up I've got work to do.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:42



Right just before I leave on last quick check.





No food 36 hours, Check



Clear fluids only, Check (ish) (few lagers can't have hurt)



Free Gift No1 at T minus 27 hours, Check (yep 20:00 hrs Sunday Night)



Free Gift No2 at T minus 3 hours, Check (Yep 08:00 Monday morn)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: FredDibnah

Date: 18/07/07 11:45



Pure Genius!



That's me rendered utterly useless for the rest of the day!



(Bows down to one Greater than He)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 11:46







Report to day hospital

WEDNESDAY 10th





WEDNESDAY 10th





WEDNESDAY 10th



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 11:48



LOL!



2 days early!



Did you have to go through it all again?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mike-b

Date: 18/07/07 11:53



Absolute quality in a glad-it-wasn't-me kind of way. Please tell us what happend on Wednesday.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: _Yossarian_

Date: 18/07/07 12:00



ha ha ha



you idiot



: )







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 12:07



PMSL ;-)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mrhallorann

Date: 18/07/07 12:09



Fantastic :'D



gotta get me some of this stuff!!



dick hallorann







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 12:09



Why're you laughing - you have all this to come!



Sorry, didn't mean to laugh.



;-)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: JonR

Date: 18/07/07 12:15



Very good.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 12:24



"Hello, Day Hospital, erm I've got an appointment for Wednesday,

Yes that's right (gulp) the 10th. I was wondering, is there ANY chance you could see me today?"



"I'm afraid not, is there a problem, only if you cancel you may go to the bottom of the list . ."



"Oh NO NO NO, I don't want to cancel, I wan't to be seen today"



"HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR PICOLAX YET ?" (stifled sounds, the unnerving feeling that nearby extensions are being lifted)



(small voice) " . . . . . . yes . . . . ."



"I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DID YOU SAY YOU'D TAKEN BOTH SACHETS OF AGENT erm SORRY BOTH SACHETS OF PICOLAX ??" (multiple stifled sounds, presence of numerous 3rd parties confirmed)



(small voice)" . . . . .Yes, both sachets . . . . . . Can I get some more . . . "



No tossing about this time, they didn't even try to stifle their laughter, all women, about 10 of them.



"YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE SOME MORE PICOLAX ? Ha Ha Ha"



"No, I asked if I could get some more, I definately did not say I'd like some more"



"If you can drop by after 13:00 today we'll issue you with a repeat prescription which you can take to the pharmacy, OK ?"



" . . .Yes, thank you"











Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 13:04







poor you!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 13:06



Later on Monday the 8th





"Hi I've come to collect a prescription ?"





"What Name is it please ?" (says a goodlooking red head nurse with twinkle in her eye)



Simultaneously, she's making some secret *SIGN* for EVERY good looking female nurse to emerge from various hidey holes.

TBH I did'nt think the NHS employed so many NATIONALLY never mind at the local BUM CLINIC !!



"Blu-tone"



"Ah yes, TWO SACHETS OF PICOLAX !!"







Sirens, alarms, party poppers and flashing lights



BINGO!! LAYDEEZ AND GENNEMEN WE HAVE A WINNER OF THE LORD ELIZABETH FUKKWITT TROPHY



Then the killer question,





"Do you know how to take it ?"



"Yep"





Blu-tone exits the Bum Factory for the day and the workers roll about the floor.

Still it's not every bloke that can induce damp knickers in so many foxy nurses simultaneously.



Now any of you that are familiar with even Primary School arithmetic will be aware that a 36 hour countback from 08:00 Wednesday is 20:00 Monday.



By the time I got home it was almost 18:00. 2 hours to eat, then back, once again, into the hands of "Agent" Picolax.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 13:10



But even I with my double dose of "Agent" Picolax was not prepared for the delights of . . .





"THE PROCEDURE"













Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Van-Halen

Date: 18/07/07 13:12



awesome







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: anokdale

Date: 18/07/07 13:18



Mate, i have achieved the Square root of nothing today, we are just in bits here, and the procedure, more to come and two more doses of the agent.



Kettles on.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: makecoldplayhistory

Date: 18/07/07 13:37



"THE PROCEDURE" Now I'm worried!



Just tell me it doesn't hurt....







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: timothy

Date: 18/07/07 13:42



It's now been half an hour and no update from Blu-tone. Is he on the loo?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 14:28



maybe the mods have decided the procedure is not suitable for print?



Makecoldplayhistory - be afraid, be very afraid!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: _Yossarian_

Date: 18/07/07 14:58



blu-tone is currently inside out



mch - you should considering your alternatives mate : )







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: PeterPoddy

Date: 18/07/07 15:05



Utter, utter genis.

Thread of the YEAR without any shadow of a doubt.



THIS is why I love STW so much.



Arise, SIR Blu-tone, we salute you.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mrsmw

Date: 18/07/07 15:18



Apparently they're developing an alternative



Sounds worse!







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mrmichaelwright

Date: 18/07/07 15:21



Fletchers' long tube phosphate enema





snigger







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: PeterPoddy

Date: 18/07/07 15:23



Oh s**t!



;)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: richc

Date: 18/07/07 15:34



be afraid



http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/PICOLAX-SEVERE-CONSTIPATION-RELIEF-2-SACHET-PACK_W0QQitemZ220129372140QQihZ012QQcategoryZ75039QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 18/07/07 15:40



Now that has to be a worth a fivers entertainment ......



;-)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: johni

Date: 18/07/07 16:48



Just make sure you are ahead of the victim if out biking!



True quality thread definitely my favourite of all time. 10/10







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: JONV

Date: 18/07/07 22:19



mcph;



so - did it meet expectations. If you're in tomorrow you must be double dosed by now?



Hope it goes OK, will be clenching in sympathy all day.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 22:50



Right



Home I go with 2 replacements. And for those who enjoy cheap, ritual, humiliation it felt as though every worker that I passed in Fazakerley Hospital began polishing the floors with their backs as they writhed and contorted about.



Every other chancer wants "Temazzies" but Blu-tone, the only man with the addiction to "Bum-Explosives".



This next statement may be the least surprising ever reading from the book of "Revelations" but I DID NOT RIDE MY BIKE THAT NIGHT.



Truth is I just can't remember 'zackly what I did eat during my 2 hours I was granted beyond the unfailing grasp of "Agent" Picolax.



Rest assured small balls of cotton wool, economy portions of candyfloss and undersize clouds were VERY VERY high on the very short menu.





Items NOT REQUIRED on the voyage included:



Pineapples (the spiny oversize handgrenade of the fruit world)

Beans

Chips

Infact ANYTHING which MAYproduce a "Propellant" (yeah like "Agent" Picolax needs an enthusiastic assistant FFS).





By 20:00 Monday, the "Safe Food Fest" was over and the waiting game had recommenced !!

BUT

So had the internal dialogue [Music From "Rocky" as the plucky contender runs up the steps]



"Fluids Tone. Ya jass think fluids"

"Erm, right d*ckhead like I can think of ANYTHING else !!!"



May as well try to go to sleep, (lets face it a night down the pub and a Tandoori can never measure up to a "session" with "Agent" Picolax).







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 23:24



LOOK



There's no easy way 'round this, so why not make a game of it ?



DID FREE GIFT No3 ?



a) surprise me with it's gentle playng of the flute ?



b) treat me like an old friend not seen these many years and soothed my pain with the stories of childhood ?



c) Treat my arrrse/ears/NEIGHBOURS to a display of 4 dimensional pyrotechnics unseen since Stephen Hawkings wheelchair accidentally knocked the switch marked . . .







K A BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 23:33



Sorry the correct answer is,





Infact "Agent" Picolax worked Blu-tone over completely TWICE before he presented his sorry arrrse for DEEPER inspection.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: FredDibnah

Date: 18/07/07 23:47



Deary me, it goes from worse to worserer....





You're rambling now, btw. Not surprising, really....





I can honestly say; I never read someone talk about sh1t in quite such an eloquent, lucid and entertaining way...



STOP!!



Carrry on...



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 18/07/07 23:53



And so having survived "Agent" Picolax ( not once, nor twice, not even thrice, No 'King Dickkhead had to ride "The BIGGEST One" FOUR FUGGIN TIMES), I presented the wolds cleanest EVER alimentary canal for DEEPER inspection.





But first they made me take of ALL my grown up mens clothes and put on a childs dress . . .

Next came a phrase that no matter how softly said, how far away would have grabbed my attention, as surely as the fist of the school bully grabbed a tie in search of "Spare dinner money".



Nurse "Right we're just going to apply some lubricant . . . ."



WE ?? WE ??



Dear God, if it takes more than one of them (and there are three in the room that I can't actually see from this position) just to apply the lubricant how big is the bloody "DEVICE" they are planning on sticking up my arrrse ??



The size of a human fist ??



A Football ??

(now I've never been a Rugby fan but all of a sudden it seemed to have ONE ENORMOUS advantage).



A suitcase ??

Dear God not a suitcase . . . .



Then I hear the sound of big machinery, and I mean BIG MACHINERY . . . .



Sweet Babby Jehoosus they're going to drive a bloody Chieftain tank up my arrrse while I'm asleep.



Then whilst I am still reeling at the prospect of armour plated catterpillar tracks and gun turret taking me by storm . . .



MY BUM GOT SLIMED BY GHOSTBUSTERS !!

ALL OF 'EM





Current Dignity Rating for Subject Blu-tone = MINUS Eight Million and falling



"OK Mr Blutone, we're just preparing the ENDOSCOPE . . . ." (Did she say, she did ?? I'm sure she said HMS ENDOSCOPE)



CHRISSSSSS it's a bloody SUBMARINE !!!!



At least I'll be out of it whilst my uncharted waters are being searched for intruders by this HUGE vessel.



"OK Mr Blu-tone, on the screen in front of you is the picture from the camera on HMS ENDOSCOPE, you'll be able to follow the entire procedure . . . ."





WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Lady jusss a blooody minute, where's Jeremy FIKKIN Beadle ??



I've got a bare arse with about 10 gallons of KY-Jelly in, on, and UP it.

I'm wearing a kids dress. (Backwards)

HMS Endoscope, is about "To boldly go . . ."

AND

YOU want to show it live on TV !!!

BUT

HA! HA! HA! That's NOT the best bit, is it ? NO !!!



YOU WANT ME TO STAY AWAKE AND WATCH !!!



Look I may be daft enough to live on just yummy orange juice for a week, whilst suffering 4 YES F O U R !!! bouts of bowel movements big enough for Steven Hawking to test out his theories on.

But AWAKE ???



How blooody daft DO you think I am ?



Well that's what I thought, but obviously being a BRITISH BLOKE what I actually said was.



"ok"



The picture on the tv screen then started to go all blurry, just diffuse blobs of coloured light.



Then it went dark and a distant object began to emerge from the gloom . . . .











Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 19/07/07 10:07



The camera was showing some pretty poor qualtiy black & white footage of



2001 a Space Odyssey



And up ahead is the orbitting space station, hey yess! I love this movie, at least I'll have something to do whilst they (Nah best not think about that).



In the distance there's the familiar form of Planet Earths lonely sattelite, The Moon.



Except in this version the part of the Moon is being taken by MY ARRRSE !! AAAAAAAAHHHHH !!!



Nursey then kindly gives me the most impossible instruction, "OK Mr Blu-tone, just relax for me ".



When what she means is "My mates about to launch HMS ENDOSCOPE, and YOU are the target acquired".



Suddenly "The Moon" fills the screen and it's topography becomes crystal sharp. There are craters and hills. And up ahead is a deep gorge with sparsely wooded steep sides.

Then like something off Tracey Island or GoldFinger (please don't say finger like that) or Moonraper (could't we just stick with Tracey Island, after all I could be wearing Tracey's dress) the steep sides of "The Gorge" slide apart to reveal . . . .



BULLSEYE, Sherriff Rusty's Badge, The Chocolate Starfish



"The Lunar Podule" is gonna crash if it tries to land at this rate of descent. Blooody Helll if it doesn't slow down it's going to embed itself.



Precisely, embed itself







At the same time as the crew of "Podule Number Two" perished, I was suddenly treated to a simultaneous experience at BOTH ends.



What I saw was:

"Podule Number Two" suddenly suffered temporary blackout whilst entering a narrow cave (very narrow).



What I felt was:

Air. Rushing from my lungs like a desert storm.

Eyes out on stalks like Arnie at the end of "Total Recall".

A muscle (which I will NEVER EVER take for granted again) expand at astronomical rates



She stuck a camera (complete with its own lights) on a "Rope", in me. Right up my bum



And then, she played the Ace.



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: wwaswas

Date: 19/07/07 10:22



do you do after dinner speaking to doctors?



if not, you should.



pmsl (almost).







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mike-b

Date: 19/07/07 10:56



And then..?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 19/07/07 11:09



The Ace



She served it like a Grand Slam Champ. I did'nt see it coming (well no shame there after all I had things on my mind, and an anaconda up my arrrse).







"OK Mr Blu-tone, so that we can see the walls of your bowel as clearly as posible we're just going to inflate you"





Yep, inflate me.





Now, for everything that I had experienced up to this point I'd had some point of reference, some previous experience from which to draw upon, some vaguely transferrable skill via which to cope or rationalise my situation.





She was going to inflate me.





Judging by the size of HMS Endoscope's engines it would be delivering just a bit more puff (yes, I know it has connotations) than required to make one of those things you get out of a christmas cracker unroll and bleat.





She was going to inflate me.





The mind is most often a wonderful thing, but, it can be a fearsome enemy.





She was going to inflate me.



And



Just like the computer in 2001 my mind chose this precise moment to reveal that it had turned bandit.



At some point during "The Great Deluge" my guard had dropped (probably out of my arrrse).

Seizing the moment "Agent" Picolax had waved his fingers in my minds face and in the calming tones of Ben Obi Wan Kenobi whispered "These are not the drones you're looking for".



"Agent" Picolax had effortlessly "turned" his opponent, taken him over to the opposition.





Now she was going to infalte me,

But

My mind was suddenly supplying images, no soundtrack, no dialogue. IMAGES.

millions of 'em.

LARGE, small, B&W, colour, still, video, real, CGI, cartoon, sketch, millions of 'em.



SOME FREE SAMPLE IMAGES:

An Elephant

The Montgolfier Brothers (pioneers of the Hot Air Balloon)

Great gouts of fire spouting forth from a distant and angry sun

Mushroom cloud from H Bomb tests on Bikini Atoll

An erupting volcano

A beach babes playing volleyball

An american footballer kicking a field goal

A zeppellin

Two zeppellins

A pan of popcorn, popping

Bomb disposal Engineers detonating a "Suspect Device"

A Track pump test in STW

Compressors on display at B&Q



then

A childs face the instant after a birthday balloon disappears



Then antique footage with sound of Hattie Jacques as the Matron in the Carry On Films

"Hello? Mrs Bl-tone ? Yes he did have "The Procedure" today. Well I'm sorry to say we exploded him. No he won't be home for tea I'm afraid."





She was going to INFLATE me !!!











Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: wwaswas

Date: 19/07/07 11:15



"Well I'm sorry to say we exploded him. No he won't be home for tea I'm afraid"



Stop, please, it hurts (and that's just reading about it).







actually, don't.



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 19/07/07 12:08



And BOY she INFLATED me. She INFLATED my brains out. BIG time.



I don't know if any of you have been inflated.

I mean fully inflated.

To about 120psi inflated.



My belly was the size of a family dome tent.



So, I lay there, an anaconda slithering off up trap 2, gradually expanding, watching my bowels live on TV gently rocking on the bed, as you do on a Wednesday off work.



The remainder of the procedure was (by the exciting standards of recent days) just a mundane question of HMS Endoscope lazering away a few "squatters" from my exhaust pipe and generally giving a spit & polish valetting to me giblets.



Job done.





Erm no.





You see the sphincter muscle of the human anus is generally a pretty effective non-return valve. Mainly in the direction of out.

Being fully inflated in the presence of 4 female nurses avails the non-return valve an opportunity to display it's true vocation.





EXPULSION.



Rapid, Voluminous and Gaseous (a small blessing I suppose).



FARTS MEASURED ON THE HIGH END OF THE RICHTER SCALE





The human bum (to give it it's correct term) is capable of an astounding array of sounds, a whole orchestra of noises, both musical and percussive. But mainly a badly played trombone.



Not Over, because having successfully engaged and defeated the enemy HMS Endoscope was withdrawing from active service.



And at the very instant it was decomissioned (accompanied by facial expression suggesting you have suddenly achieved X-Ray vision) the commencement of it's passing out parade was signalled with a 20 bum salute from the "tail guns" of the badly holed HMS Blu-tone.





Later followed by a selection of marching tunes keeping strict tempo with the defeated ships company as I retreated to the recovery room. Each step triggered off a postern blast heard across the free world.

Imagine a creaky bottom bracket, which issues forth each revolution, now substitute the creak for the sound of your best ever fart, multiply by 10. Now we're getting close.



Upon reaching the recovery room I noted with great interest that someone had already had the presence of mind to open the windows, all of 'em. Like the thinking young feller me monkey, like the cut o' yer jib.



After a suitable recovery period, I was judged best giant marrow in show. And free to leave. I was still the size of some prehistoric land mammal in the later stages of multiple pregnancy. But free nevertheless.



I made my way to the lifts. Each step now a masterpiece in self control as I hold back a mighty tempest desperate to play his new baritone sax.



Lifts. What is it about lifts and flatulation ?

Just like fish and chips, just go together no question.



Exerting enough pressure to snap an iron bar with my "unseeing brown eye" I struggle the 20 metres from ward to lift. Displaying a walking style that would allow me to pass over landmines without detonation and with just one minor (reasonably) quiet escape party.



e-v-e-r s-o g-e-n-t-l-y

I press the call lift button.



After an age it arrives.

For the first time in days Lady Luck manages a tiny wink in my direction.

Not only is the corridor empty, but, so is the lift. BONUS !!



I leap in, like a jet propelled panther. (OK Jet propelled walrus).



I'm in, and my figer has hit Ground floor before I have settled back to earth. Please close, please close. Finally the doors are closed. Success, a lift all to my self.



BOOM, a sonic boom, think Cape Canaveral. I'm farting for the Solar System.



The blooody relief is ecstatic I can see my body actually shrinking. Eyes closed and I'm loving it. My arrrse (still heavily lubricated) is singing out high praise to "The Mayor of TRUMPton". This is borderline as good as a cold beer in a frosted glass on a scorching day (abroad obviously, unless it's April UK).



The noise is glorious and I've got a silly great grin spread Wiiiiiiiiide across my face.



Then



Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: IHateNettles

Date: 19/07/07 12:23



Stop it, I'm crying...







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: Cheesyfeet

Date: 19/07/07 12:24



I'm getting those funny looks in the office again.



Don't tell me, some buxom crumpet enters the lift....







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 19/07/07 13:15



People are asking if I am OK, as I wipe the tears from my face.



But then I look around the office and see others in a similar predicament - even if they have no interst in cycling, they are addicted to this thread!



:-)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: maxray

Date: 19/07/07 13:37



so what happenend!! :D







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mmmcurry

Date: 19/07/07 14:04



C'mon, there are people round the world hitting refresh waiting to know what happened in the lift.



Steve.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: plant

Date: 19/07/07 14:11



If it's anything like yesterday, Blu-tone has to take a nap in the afternoon.



:-(







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: lebaldy

Date: 19/07/07 14:13



Once again I'm crying at work, much to the amusement of everyone else!



Has anyone heard from makecoldplayhistory since blu-tone went into details?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: mmmcurry

Date: 19/07/07 14:15



Plant, are you sure its a nap he's taking?



Steve.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: labrat

Date: 19/07/07 14:18



Stop, please, it hurts...



actually, don't.





Crikey, though that was a quote from Blu-tone for a moment then ;o)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: _Yossarian_

Date: 19/07/07 14:18



makecoldplayhistory is hiding in tree i would imagine







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: crispys_here

Date: 19/07/07 15:01



I suspect he's waiting for a grand re-entry (as it were) for the 100th post...







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: johni

Date: 19/07/07 15:09



My better half works in the Mersey health trust and says that Blu-tone is one of many. She did have a good laugh at his writings though!



Much worse things happen in hospitals, however most are not quite so well documented as to that of blu-tone.



Priceless piece of literature. Where do we sign people up for the Booker prize? :o)







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: noteeth

Date: 19/07/07 15:50



Outstanding work, Blu-tone.







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: wwaswas

Date: 19/07/07 16:26



Just in case you're waiting to be post 100 blu-tone...







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: MrNice

Date: 19/07/07 16:49



I'm still waiting to hear from makecoldplayhistory - he should be at the "hollow shell of a man" stage by now. Is he history?







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: MrOvershoot

Date: 19/07/07 16:58



I've got to drive home past Fazakerley Hospital and I fear I might crash from laughing so much :o

Either that or it might be a good thing as my ribs feel like they are bust from so much laughing







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: grahamt1980

Date: 19/07/07 17:49



Oh hell, i'm in tear reading that, come on we need the rest







Re: Picolax - anyone had it? What to expect? (Toilet content)

Author: blu-tone

Date: 20/07/07 04:20



Then, something . . . .











Just how do you instinctively know these things ?







I open my eyes. Because some "other" voice gently nudges me.





And







The lift has only dropped from floor 6 to 5.

The door is wiiiiiiiiiiide open.

The entire population of Merseyside has been waiting for a lift. For years.



Whatever they do on this floor, the population is entirely women, teenage girls and kids.



Every last one (ZERO EXCEPTIONS) is staring aghast at the fat hovvering man in the lift.





Doors wide open. Thousands waiting, No-one moving. Eyes wide, jaws dropped.



Just me.



Gently.



Floating.





My feet are 18 inches above the floor of the waiting lift.





I touch no surface. I am in geostationary orbit.



A gradually shrinking moon.





My captive audience needs a lift. But not this one.



Or



Maybe, if they could overcome the hurricane, they might. (Probably not)



I hang there.



In mid air, supplying my own live soundtrack, and then, begin to slowly rotate.

And for the first time in nearly a week,

ME.

I.



I AM IN CONTROL.





By now, I have SHAT entire continents through a part of my own body less familiar to me than the far reaches of the Amazon.



(There are villages, in countries plane flights away from my home requiring visas, that I knew better, before this week)

(to tell the truth, I still could'nt pick my own arrrrse in an identity parade (now that's a phrase my old english teacher/probation officer never taught me) and still can't)



So, here I am, my bum smeared in expensive, high quality fork grease, gently bobbing up and down before an audience of female strangers. And as the stainless steel doors gently close, there's only one phrase in my head.

KISS MY F*KKIN FAT ARRRSE





PS If you are concerned about the current performance of your OEM installed bum, PLEASE consult your GP.

NOT the voodoo witchdoctor just to save a few quid.



Even being inflated and floating on your own farts in a lift in front of a bunch of kids is far less of a concern to ALL the people who love you than the consequences of ignoring it.



So remember, wherever you are, no matter how silent, how still. . . . . .







"AGENT" Picolax . . . . . . . .



He's waiting . . . . . . .



The EYE that NEVER blinks.