Monday 29th March 2010, Roquetas ans all is well, well sort of.

The last few days have been bliss, no wind, temperature in the mid twenties and not a lonely cloud in the sky. Although a vote was not actually taken, it was decided to just lie in the sun and do bugger all. Again sort of. SWMBO had decided that we, well me especially, were not fit enough and therefore a “fit” plan was needed. The plan being that we got up relatively early and went for a fairly brisk five mile walk, mostly along the beach, then back for breakfast and then the gruesome task of availing our semi naked bodies to the unrelenting sun. So we did just that and I don't know if I'm any fitter but my legs ache most of the time now.

I must admit lying in the sun for hours on end, like iguanas on the black rocks of the Galapagos islands, is not me really, I have to get up now and then and do something. Like have another glass of freshly squeezed (by me of course) orange juice or a beer, maybe. She just lies there mumbling something like “God, it's a tough life”.

Today though, Maria popped in for a visit and I think it was her time of the month and a bad hair day, rolled into one. The local weather forecast had put out warnings of “strong gales”, and for once they were very right. Of course this was also chosen, by SWMBO, as a washing day in readiness for the imminent arrival of the Swan couple. After washing the sheets she hung them up and they immediately turned into the topsails of a four masted schooner and shorty afterward disappeared down the site followed by a screaming woman who matched the description of my wife. Everything is now “inside” the MS, drying, as are we also, sheltering gnome like from the winds.

The surf kiting guys down at the beach are having a wondrous time though and look like mad metalised insects being dashed from pillar to post, and of course going back for more, as they are young and obviously obtuse.

Last night was different. I popped out for a quick fag during a break from “Spartacus”, yes, it's getting that bad, and saw a white owl overhead, drifting, silent as a confession, soon to end the life of a not so vigilant, small, unknowing mouse or vole. The blue sky moved effortlessly into purple and gold, and then tumbled gently to inky blackness, shadows lurking in the trees like a jury of ghosts. The moon shone it's baleful eye upon a landscape bereft of beauty, more a shroud to the night's willing grasp. The shallow yearning of a............Hells Teeth! What the hell am I smoking here?

Also because of the Swans are coming, she is generally cleaning and clearing things out of lockers to make room, there are only here for three nights, for heaven sake! She is doing lots of other things which I can't go into now. Tomorrow it's cleaning the car, which involves going to our local “Lavado”. This means you get to dash round your car in the two and a half minutes you are given for your one €, leaving dirty triangles all over the car. Putting in another € is, of course, out of the question, says so in the scriptures.

The Germans have brought in the first of their armoured divisions so things could get a little hetic round here, more on that in a later post.

I had to do one of more arduous tasks, squeezing more oranges for SWMBO, much in demand, orange juice. We had bought an extra two bags for the coming of the Swans and I was director to squeeze a whole bag and make litres of the stuff, oh the pain of all this hard work.  The shot of SWMBO's legs is a typical effort from her, I normally just delete them.

 

 

Tuesday 23rd March 2010, Roquetas and how time flies!

Hell's teeth! It's nearly the end of March and I feel I have done nothing this year, life has just been one long holiday, er...wait a minute, life IS now just one long holiday. Weather is getting better all the time, a little bit warmer and less wetter each day. I remember last May/June over here and we were praying for the odd sub 30°C day just to cool down, that's just around the corner.

Giving up on the Ludo for the time being, SWMBO decided we should go back to Dominoes so I got my favourite set out, belong to my Mum who was a lethal but fair Domino player, I don't think I beat more than once. So I puts them on the table and SWMBO picks up one with a tiny mark on the back of it and makes it a bigger mark by scratching at it. “Er, that's the end of that Domino set, pet.” “Why's that then?” “Turn it over.” “It's a double four, so what?” “Well my darling we both now know what that Domino is, so also, who's got it or is it the blind pack.” “Oh.”

“I could scratch them all?” “We could paint them? Put bits of black tape on them?” “Er..no Pet.”

So I goes and gets the set from the Lidl 15 game compendium. Why was it so cheap? Because the six bloody three is missing, that's why. “We could play without it?”

Back to Ludo but my heart was not in it anymore.

Play today is a little bit of “whites only” washing, re-arrange all the ornaments we have so I don't know where anything is (don't know why she does this, but it's on a daily basis), then Lidl for some heavy stuff via car and then a cycle ride to Aquadulce. Then SWMBO pride and joy, the twin tub washing broke, well the spinner stopped spinning. So took it out and had a good look at the motor and wiring, put it back and it now works. I hate that because it was obviously a loose connection or whatever, but I don't actually know what. So it will probably break again sometime in the future. Of course what SWMBO told what a clever bloke I was I couldn't really let on, could I? Says so in the scriptures, doesn't it?

A real “drying” day today, warm and sunny and a nice warm breeze but not too much to ruin a cycle ride.

Quite a few more are leaving, one of the German guys was taking down hie €1,000 awning and just basically took a knife to it and threw it in the big waste hopper, on site. It looked ok to me but I guess it must have been knackered or he's giving up the life style.


One of the MS spotlight bulbs has blow and I was asking Mike, next to us, where I might find spares. He told me that there was an auto electrician shop next to the permanent market in Roquetas. Now although SWMBO was at least forty yards away and immersed in her washing, she still managed to pick this phrase up from all the surrounding noises. So when I got back, “So, where's this market then, what does it sell, when can we go?” It's like a red rag to a bull when she hears the word “Market”. Market implies shopping and that's what she's all about really, cut her in two and all you will get is a Visa card and a John Lewis catalogue.

So when I said, “I don't know, I didn't ask”, she threatened to rip off parts of my body that I was extremely attached to. So I've got to go back to Mike, with the map and get him to show me where the damn place is, luckily it's too late to go there today as it will be shut.

A German guy has broke out his organ grinder and him a a couple of his buddies have decided to regale the campsite with various German songs, boy are we enjoying it, not. He is the guy in the center of the picture with the yellow box on the table, that's the thing. Also in the shot is a typical example of normal dress when using the shower block. I know it's convenient to wear a dressing gown but the idea of lots of wrinkleys wondering around the campsite, at all hours mind you, somewhat ameliorates the allure of camping or am I being to harsh?  Just realised posted the wrong picture, use your imagination, please.

Other pictures are of main street El Parador, our nearest shopping center, outside our favourite bazaar where you can buy literally everything, they even give you a receipt! There's also a picture of Tricia's “bike dashboard” because it's getting so complicated now. BTW “dashboard” derives from a leather cover along the front, and sometimes sides, of a horse-drawn carriage to stop the mud, dirt, water, (shit?), being “dashed” against the carriage and occupants. There you go then.

We have just lost our Wi-Fi connection, the server has disappeared but unfortunately we can't complain as we are getting it by mistake. Although I paid for 30 days, that ran out about 20 days ago but they forgot to switch us off. So I've just been round to Pete's caravan and he can't get it either but as he is paying he can, and is, complaining, as I type. One hour later and it's back on.

Just bought a juicer, why I waited so long I do not know because the oranges here are something else. Pardon, like apples? What a stupid saying, but anyway they are really very nice as I have probably mentioned before. So sixteen squeezed oranges later and I have now got about a liter getting nice and cool for later. At the same time got some smallish round brown Tapas bowls come plates.



Signing off, Friday 26th March, 6:28 am, couldn't sleep anymore, spent last night sticking pieces of black electricians tape on to the dominoes so they now work.



Long time, no jokes, so:-



Chinese sick day.........



Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey,boss I not come work today,

I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come

work."



The boss says,"You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......by the way......You got nice house."



ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an

engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.



BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and

takes it back when it starts to rain.



BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an

asshole dressed like a child.



CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time,

and charges you for it.



DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you

eager to start the journey.



ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he

predicted yesterday didn't happen today.



FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne

sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to try and sleep with them.



PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience.



PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a

way you don't understand.



PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive

woman enters a room.



PRIEST: Someone addressed by everyone as father except his children

who call him uncle



LOVE: Four-letter word, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots.



DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.



HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.



INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about

something other than sex.



MONOGAMY: repressed polygamy.



NANOSECOND: Fraction of time which occurs between the lights turning

green and the car behind honking its horn.



NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than

he does.



TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.



EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.



FOOTBALL: That which all women marry without knowing.



HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software

malfunctions.



IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.



INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she

has no interest; interpreted by the man as playing hard to get.

INFLATION: Having to pay next years prices on last year's salary.


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex for quite some time. Feeling something was wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist..

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him..

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all your crose......."Now get down and crawl reery fas to other side of room." So she did. Dr. Chang said, "Okay now crawl reery fass to me."

So she did so. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You haf Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass."

Saturday 20th March, Roquetas and the weather is getting better!

For the first time I'm sitting outside typing this, sitting on our newly bought “directors” chairs, listening to Nickleback, via a great Spanish music station, on the outside stereo system. We originally went to get the chair version of what we have as loungers but the bloody things were nearly €50 each! We don't like the Swans that much, who btw will be here in 9 days.

SWMBO has been banging on about going up to The Tabernas Desert, the “only” real desert in Europe which is in the middle of the Sierra Navada mountains, about 20 miles north of Roquetas. It was the scene of many of the “spaghetti” westerns, “Fist full of Dollars” etc. Unfortunately the walk that she wanted us to do, which took you into this desert and back, started in the middle of nowhere and I didn't want to leave the truck. Also it was getting a bit misty so you couldn't see much either, so we will leave it to another time.

SWMBO turned herself loose in the kitchen and announced that she was going to make a authentic Moroccan dish based around the kilo of lamb she had recently captured from a local butchers, next to Lidl as a matter of fact, how had we missed it so far? Well she had never used Cumin before and obviously didn't quite make out the Spanish for half a teaspoon and used a desert spoon instead, well it certainly had a hint of that particular ingredient. It became quite edible if the correct number of mouthfuls of red wine were taken between each forkful, actually it wasn't that bad.

I'm making my extra special chili tonight with the two large extra hot fresh chilies I was given by Dave, from the Spinnaker pub, “They were freshly stolen just this morning”. You probably know but there are some misconceptions about chilies, the seeds are not the hot bit it's the membrane you scrape out when you de-seed them, and also to test the “hotness” bite off the tip, if that's hottish then the chili will be very hot. So I did, and my tongue fell off, Jeez these were hot buggers. So went ahead and made the thing, no de-seeding, just chopped them up, obviously adding a good shake of cayenne powder, Worcestershire sauce and dried chilies, just for taste, had a spoonful just before bed and my teeth were still tingling this morning.

SWMBO having a sit down and read.

We have not been wearing cycle helmets as most of the time we are off road, I know it shouldn't make any difference but now around here there is more road work, and then Lidl got them in. €9 compared with €30 at a sports shop and what can you do? Got two, one white and one black. Also got SWMBO a cycle computer for next to nothing. At least I won't suffer the constant “How far have we got so far?” etc. Thing is the instructions are in Spanish and it's got more computing power than they took to the moon. Not only will it tell you speed and distance it also tells you how many calories you've used, trip, average, total, split and it must have a inclinometer because it informs you how hard you have worked when you've finished! Put it on after a lot of use from Babel translator and it actually works! €6!

Petrol and diesel prices are going up here although I hear it's much worse back in the UK, here it's €1/litre for diesel, it was 83 cents when we first got here. But as Lidl is only 3 miles away and we only really use the truck when getting heavy stuff like water and beer etc. we cycle most of the time.

She's washing again so I'm looking at the waste hog and it's empty, fill, empty, fill until I'm sick of it, but it has to be done.

Read something the other day on a forum that made me smile, it was about divorce I think, “I've been married for 35 years and I can't be bothered to train another”. Quite like that, I do.

Ludo has taken over as the preferred game in the evenings, if someone had told me twenty years ago that I would be spending a Friday evening playing Ludo I would have thought they were out of their mind. I had found a down loadable version of the game and so now we play by those rules and not the ones we “remembered”. It can be so brutal as a game, you could be one throw from getting all your counters home but if you don't throw the exact number your competitor could still win with counters still not out. I tend to win most of the time and she usually throws a fit, or anything close at hand when she loses and is “not playing ever again!” Until the next time, that is.

We are now re-watching, for the third time, I think, “Band of Brothers”, tried again to watch series three of “Prison Break” but it's a heap of shit.

It's Sunday morning and I'm recovering from the extra bowlful of chili that I had late last night, there has been some rumblings but no hectic dash to the loo as yet, must be something missing from the recipe? It tipped it down all night and is now in for the day, 11am and SWMBO is still in bed reading with a cup of tea, after her two chucky eggs and toast. Don't blame her because there's nothing much to do today. I just had half a baguette filled with crispy Spanish bacon and it was delicious, just like the bacon I used to have when I was a nipper, what do they do with it now?

Missed my usual SSS early this morning so later on I'm going to have a wade down there to do the necessary, take up some time I guess, may take a book. I'm reading “Sum of all fears”, another Tom Clancy novel and I'm sure I read it before but I'm half way through it and nothing is ringing a bell.

I have a bunch of things planned for days like these, stitching together my old motorcycling videos and adding some decent sound tracks, re reading my Olympus user manual so I can use the camera properly, ditto with the Camcorder, learning more Spanish, putting Windows 7 on SWMBO's laptop, getting blogs 1 & 2 together and formating them to put in an on-line book, exporting all my contacts from Microsoft Outlook into OpenOffice format so I can finally dump MS office completely, a thousand things really, but I can't be arsed. Why put off today what you can put off again tomorrow?

I think I'll read my book.

6 pm and it's still raining, bugger!

Tuesday 16th March, Roquetas, no make that Almeria.

Some flowers, bless, and me and the closed castle.


Decided to go to Almeria for a whole day and give the place a good visit, so there's plenty of pictures this time. In fact far too many. When SWMBO gets a camera in her mit nothing is safe. She took 67 pictures, thank God for digital, and works on the premise that “One or two of them must turn out alright!” I will include some of her “failures” as well. But aren't these memory cards fantastic? In the olden days you would get back from your holiday and sent off your 4 rolls of 35mm to Boots and wait about 2 weeks before you got them back and discovered that your thumb was over the shutter most of the time. Now it's, remove from camera, stick it in the slot on the laptop (no cables either!) and then there's your pictures. Delete 90% of them and you are probably left with a dozen worth sharing.

I like using my Olympus DSLR but with all the “necessary” lenses, is a bit of a sod to cart around. SWMBO, on the other hand, favours a little Fuji A345 that she “borrowed” from our daughter Heather and just not gave it back. As you can see from some of the shots, she prefers, for some inexplicable reason, any shot that may or may not, depending on her aim, anything that includes, but not in any particular order, cloven creatures (sheep, goats etc), winged things, inc. any water fowl, shepherds(?), far off and difficult to make out views of hills or mountains, flowers, windows with grills, discoloured walls, my backside, pavements and any mural no matter in what state, lamposts with dates on them, arches and any kind of fountain, working or not.

So expect a few examples herein.

As an aside, I had to empty the black tank yesterday, or more correctly last night. During our bouts of illness it got used a lot more than we usually plan on and it was way past the time to be emptied. I choose semi darkness because I had a fair understanding of what was actually in it. Now I've emptied both grey and black millions of times and have it off to a fine art. I instinctively know when to turn off the valve knowing what is left in the hose will top up the waste hog. Not too much as when it's laid down flat at the emptying point you may get a little “overspill”. Now when it comes to “grey” water, which is just water from the washing machine or our dish water, no big deal. “black” water, however, has got to be given a little more consideration and finesse.

So, black valve open, judged to perfection and waste hog at the maximum fill level with no overspill problems on emptying. Off I go to the waste dump next to toilet block #6. “Funny, a bit smelly, I wonder why?” When a got to the block I looked back and there was a long thin trail of, well not to put a too finer point on it, liquid shit! Trailing all the way back to our site because I hadn't tightened up the bottom seal on the waste hog properly! Could not even say it was not me, evidence staring you in the face, man. Spent the next hour or so, carting the waste hog, filled with fresh clean water, up and down the trail to ameliorate the the tell tale signs. Of course the operation also got, “Hey you, your waste hog is leaking all over the bloody place!” Well I think that's what was said, because it was mainly in German.

Back to Almeria. Plan was to find a decent parking place as last time we parked at the Al Campo shopping mall northeast of the city which was a three mile trek to get into the city. Found a “Public” car park which turned out to be €1/hour and was a tight squeeze for the Navara to get in, round and eventually out of. Street parking in the town itself is a nightmare especially for the Navara which a “bit” longer and wider than most of the super minis much favoured around here. Everyone must get in very early in the morning and “shoehorn” their cars into any gaps available, double parking is not unusual!

So we're in and basically head for Al Alcazaba (the castle) which of course turns out to be closed for Mondays only, bloody typical. So we climb the monument opposite it, Carro de San Christobal which as you can see overlooks the whole city and the castle. It was built in 1147 after the Christians had kicked out the Moors from the area.

Wondered around, took in the cathedral and SWMBO managed to buy a couple of Adalusian Indalo men which look like a guy holding a rainbow over his head and represents the state of Andalusia. It was originally found as an old drawing in a cave and was therefore adopted. It's bad luck to buy it for yourself, it must be bought by someone else and given to you.

SWMBO had been banging on about visiting “The olive oil museum”, which she had read about somewhere and put it on her “must see” list. It turned out to be a plain wooden door in a wall, which we had already walked past a couple of times previously and had not noticed it's unrelenting beauty (not), it was also closed.

Today it's just into the port for a coffee and then some serious Lidl shopping. Whilst there I bought some “London Dry Gin” @ €3.99/litre, but it's not for drinking, honest.

I am making my own version of a “pepper spray gun”. What you do is mix gin or rubbing alcohol (but gin is cheaper!), cayenne pepper and baby oil, whisk it together and strain resulting liquid. Put this in a kids water pistol (non pump type) and you have yourself a pepper spray gun. Fires this mixture about 3 meters and if it gets in eyes puts the scrotes out of commission for some time.

As far as the cops are concerned you have a water pistol. Kept at door of MS and in front cab of Navara. Call me nervous but there have been a number of reported “hold ups” and break ins wrt motorhomes recently and my baseball bat might not cut it.

I have a shotgun license and would love to be able to carry a shotgun. Imagine you are pulled over on the motorway as happens. “Hey, hombre, give me your wallet!” You stick the business end of a shot gun in his face, wait for three or fours seconds, “What you really want, is a clean pair of underpants, isn't it?” I can only dream.

The cathedral, a wall with windows and grills

Various views from and of St Christobal's monument

Sunday 14th March 2010, Roquetas, lonely and lonelier.

Yep, they're still leaving but the showers are less crowded.

Weather forecast for today was non stop rain, we've got lots of sun and non stop blue sky instead. I had to come in now to type this as I getting rather burnt. Well not quite, as SWMBO is planning a old fashioned English dinner, based loosely around “toad in the hole”, but not until this evening, I therefore decided to have one of my special cheese sandwiches. Half a baguette filled with sliced pickled onions, jalapeño chilies, branston pickle, dill and if there is any room for it, cheese. The type of cheese doesn't really matter, it's only there for it's consistency because you can never taste it. Also saves on mouth wash as the jalapeños tend to “cleanse” the gums somewhat.



Yesterday was spent walking into town for a coffee and waiting around until the England v Scotland six nations rugby match started at 6 o'clock. As it was threatening to rain, again, but again, eventually did not and also because the match would not finish until after dark, we were going to dive there and back. Which also meant that I would not be drinking which of course is very close to sacrilege.

During the game, drawn 15 all BTW, Tricia kept on mentioning that the Scottish team had quite a few players called Murray, as they had Murray printed on the FRONT of their shirts.

A “normal” six nations rugby day last year back in blighty would follow the standard rules.

Boys, anywhere from 4 to 8 depending on valid excuses, would meet at a much argued about pub 3 hours before kick off and at least 3 miles from the house where the evening meal was to be held. The “whip” from the last match or whatever remained in it, was formally passed to the host for the match being held that day. Everyone would then top up the whip with £20 each. Watch either the “other rugby match” i.e. not England or whatever football match was being shown at the pub in question. Consume beer with the express purpose of emptying the whip asap. Some members who shall not be named but we shall use the name Paul for convenience, would take this challenge to a far higher level by consuming pints of Guinness at a prodigious rate to the point that until he could not actually speak.

Approximately thirty minutes before kick off a quick “half” would be downed and walk to the venue could begin. On eventual arrival via various bushes and other likely stops on the way the host would produce a large “cooler” filled with more beer. One pound would be prised from each present and then everyone would write down the eventual final score which was pointless really as it was always won be Phil the Greek. A guess at a score that did not indicate anything but an English win was frowned upon and deemed ungentlemanly.

Pizzas varying from very fishy (Radford's) to mouth numbingly chili hot (mine), sausages, bargees, nuts, pickles, twiglets, dips and crisps were then eaten as the match progressed.

End of match, coats on and out and onward to another, closer, pub to discuss the finer points and why England had lost, oh and give PtG the winnings. Re-fill the whip if empty and then more beer and argue about rugby rules, blind referees and anything else that blokes talk about after a minimum of eight pints.

At least 30 minutes after we are supposed to turn up for the evening meal we actually turn up and meet each others SWMBO's who are all cold sober and running a competition as to who is more ashamed of their husband. On one “foreign” trip a member of the group, again nameless so I will use Paul once more, had to stop the bus we had hired because he was “bursting!” Unfortunately there was a strong wind and being slightly inebriated, peed into the wind instead of with it. He was wearing light fawn slacks, use your imagination? On the way back onto the bus my SWMBO said “Thank God that's not my husband!” Behind she heard “Unfortunately he's mine.” But as they say, what happens on tour, stays on tour.

Back to the dinner, twenty or so, people around the dinner table and the wine flows.

Originally the food and drink were supposed to follow the nation England were playing, France and Italy were a doodle but where do you get Welsh or Irish wine, so that only lasted a couple of seasons. So as the evening progresses and even more beer and wine is drunk, the ladies are passing round interesting pieces of gossip and the men are just passing out. We, the men types, are then poured into the cars and driven home by their respective wives, great night eh?

Just about see everything, the other day whilst walking around the local El Mirador village, three guys on horses rode by. Later on we see them hitched up next to a tapas bar and the guys are knocking the stuff back, I'm sure I could hear the theme from a “Fistful of Dollars” in the background.

Spent all day, after a long walk to Aquadulce and back, lying around in the sun. Tricia then cooked a fantastic Sunday dinner with Yorkshire puddings that actually worked! Woke up Monday morning completely knackered, why?

Friday 12th March 2010, Roquetas and Tess was with me all night.

Yes, it poured down all last night but can't really complain because after my usual SSS, it's now 8:30 am and it's stopped. With true womens logic SWMBO will wash, again, today.

Last night, played dominoes, she was crushed 5 games to nil, had a perfect pizza, bottle of Rioja and the fell asleep trying to watch “Gladiator”, lovely!

Our neighbours of three days are moving off, I think we only spoke a few words the whole time? The husband, who looks to be in his sixties goes for a 5 mile run every morning, good for him. When I trained for the London marathon I was doing about sixty miles a week but the very thought of that now makes me feel dizzy.

Just paid the insurance for the Navara and the MS which coincided with the renewal of our MS storage unit near Uckfield. So that's the best part of £1,000 and no replacing it, oh well, that's what this is all about I guess. So long as it stays within the budget we planned we should be OK for quite a while yet.

I don't know if there is anything wrong with SWMBO but she can't half put the z's in. Twelve hours in bed, mostly sleeping, is not uncommon for her, although she complains of “not having slept a wink all night”. Let me put it this way I got up at six this morning, it's now 9:30 am and she has not moved at all, if she's not sleeping she is doing a very good rendition of being in a coma, can you snore in a coma? I bet if I waved a John Lewis catalogue under her nose she would be up in a shot.

The sink was leaking so repaired and and must have damaged the U bend doing so, because next day there is a small flood but with the help of some PTFE tape, all is now fixed.

I'AM ON GOOGLE!

With the recent release of Google street maps in the UK, there I am in Harwoods Lane, East Grinstead, delivering the mail in my Post Office van. Picture was taken some time in May – June 2008. I remember seeing the Google van, near bristling with cameras and I chatted to the driver and he said the mapping was nearly finished and it would be released in 18 months, which is about right. If you see the pictures, first three cameras shots in Harwoods Lane, they haven't blurred out my face. Obvious isn't, 'cos I'm bloody gorgeous, would have been a sin, says so in the scriptures doesn't it?

Weather forecast was for some sun this afternoon, don't look like it and the updated forecast is now saying rain, so not really a drying day then. Long range forecast is predicting mid twenties by the end of the month.

So off to Carrefour to look for a couple of chairs for the Swan's arrival, trouble is that they are no “summer” thing in yet so I don't know what we have to get. Then a trip to the local Mercadona to top up the bit of food we need and the “necessaries”, you know what I mean.

Been and back, chairs are €50 each! I guess they can sit on their thumbs.

When we started this thing last year I put two brand new tennis racquet's (and balls) in the hold. Finally used them today. SWMBO has not played tennis before, I had but you would not think so because it was over 30 years ago when I last had a racquet in my hand. We both ended up totally knackered, mostly from chasing and retrieving the balls we had hit out of the court. More planned for tomorrow.


It's a sad fact but I typed this from memory; with a wave in the general direction of Benny Hill and pre decimalisation.



“The old man and the fiddle”.

It was market day in the village

and the crowds round the stalls were quite dense

but what caught my eye

was a stall piled quite high

with musical instruments


Up to the stall came a little old man

His clothes all tatted and thin

but his face came alight

when his eyeballs caught sight

of a beautiful old violin


Holding it up to the dealer he said,

“How much is this one then?”

“That's a Stradivarius!” The dealer replied

“It'll cost you four pound ten”.


“I can't afford that”, said the little old man

and a lump came into my throat

I was feeling quite chuffed

so I stuffed in his hand a ten shilling note.


A crowd had gathered by this time, so I quickly went

round with a hat.

When I finished, I found, I'd collected five pound!

So I took my ten shilling back.


We gave the dealer the money

and the old man so tattered and thin

picked up the violin

stuck it under his chin

and played like a man possessed!


He played some fugues and cantata's

and foie tiddly oi toites, too

from composers like Johan Sebastian Bach

to mention only a few.


He played waltzes from Strauss and de Fledermaus

and tales from the Vienna Wood,

and then Tchaikovsky's piano concerto,

only he didn't play that quite so good.


“Well done!” cried the crowd when he'd finished

and gently patted him on the head

but the excitement was too much for the little old man

who unfortunately dropped down dead.



So we gave the dealer the fiddle

and took back our four pounds ten

picked up the old man and laid him to rest

in a cemetery, down by the glen

and sometimes at night,

when the moon doth shine bright

and I happen to wander that way,

up over the hill,

Yes! I can still hear the old man play!

As the old saying goes:-
Although the old man is dead and his song has ended

the melody lingers on!

Tuesday 9th March 2010, Roquetas and dull, wet and miserable. (not quite!)

My friends and family back in the UK are getting more sun than we are at the moment, admittedly colder but being sunny does make you feel a lot better.


We were getting a slight leak from the right hand sink unit and Tricia just put a bowl under it and emptied every other day. Now this is what we would do when we were back in the house until it got so bad that I would fix it. Mainly because getting to the back of the sink and tightening taps etc. was a real hassle. So when we were in a local bazaar the other day I didn't think twice when she suggested a larger permanent container for the drip. Well the drip grew up and now we have running water where we shouldn't.

Here's the thing, it's a pop to fix these things in a motorhome/caravan whatever because 1. they are plastic not copper and unscrew easily and 2. move the pans underneath and it's there right in front of you! Unscrew, bit of leak stopper, screw back and that's it, job done and it is.

She's washing again, which means I have to drag my sorry arse up and down to the dump station, at the toilet block, time and time again. Funny thing is I very rarely see anyone else doing it. I mean, I've got this waste hog thingy and it takes about 50 litres of “stuff”, which is usually just ex washing water out of the twin tub. Now most everybody else have these tiny cartridge affairs which I guess takes both the black and the grey water, not many washing up bowls and the odd pee and they will be full! They should be a steady procession of them queuing up to use the dump!

Not very often, because we tend to use the toilet block, I empty the black tank. Now after my recent ramblings about our various illnesses, I'm not looking forward to doing it, maybe the dead of night with a clothes peg strongly attached to my nose. In fact that probably is when they do theirs, who nose (pun)?

The Swan's are booked and coming at the end of the month so we need a few extra bits, two chairs as our other two chairs had an unexpected end to life. I had loaded them into the front hold and promptly forgot to lock it, drove off and clang and crunch. It's amazing what a 3.5 ton, twin axle monster will do to two innocent aluminium chairs when it gets amongst them. Suffice to say they were not recognisable as chairs anymore. Tried my damnedest to blame SWMBO, but other than “You were talking to me and put me off my stroke”, I had to hold my hands up to that one.
Upside, or downside from my point of view, she goes shopping again.

BTW, this free Open Office, replacement for Windows word is very good (free innit?) you cannot get it to auto correct/spell in English English, it has to be American English so if you see an odd z where should be a s, it's not my fault.

Most days now start with overcast and then, depending on the strength of Maria, are sunny and warm but not quite BBQ weather yet and that's what I'm really looking for, hopefully we will get some when the Swan's are here. SWMBO has already put together a full plan for the few days they are here, including which restaurants to visit, Almeria, The Castle, the shops etc. so I just hope the weather is good.


Ludo, a game of champions isn't it? What an exciting game we had last night I can tell you. You see, on an intellectual level it's just above what SWMBO can actually handle comfortably, so it's always a challenge to her, you know you throw the die and move your counters. But lately she has been actually THINKING about it. i.e. throwing a six an not bringing out one of her counters, waiting for me to pass in the hope of getting another six and pouncing on me! I knew, last night, how involved she was getting when see started swearing a lot and threatened to “Throw you and that %^$£%&^ board out the ^&&^^%%$ door!” when she lost again. Still, keeps her happy, bless.

Still tuesday and it's 3pm and the sun is blazing down, blue sky, SWMBO in her cossy and I'm indoors making leek and potato soup? I'm thinking something is not right here somehow?

Then for a walk to Roquetas to visit the bazaar and get some stuff 'cos it's competitively priced in there, a soldering iron for €2.50, I should get two.

Weather's picking up, big time!

Because we are getting visitors at the end of the month SWMBO has decided that we should find suitable cafes in the town to take them to. So today, Wednesday we have to cycle along the beach, in the sun, cycle into the town, in this hot sun, go from cafe to cafe, in the sun, sample the coffee and cakes, in the sun, all day! Until we find the right ones and then cycle back in the windless hot weather back along the beach, in the sun and then when we get back we will probably have a lie out in the sun on our loungers. Did I mention that's it's sunny out here?

Sunday 7th March 2010, Roquetas and the pain again!

The day after the food poisoning I thought I was now fine and boy was I hungry!

Probably not a good idea to have a large bowl of my famous hot and spicy vegetable soup though, but I did. Followed up in the evening with some fried potatoes and eggs and of course the obligatory red wine and beer. That night it struck again, big time. I did not think anyone could expel so much liquid from a human body in such a short time and spent from 3am until morning either facing or sitting on the loo.

As SWMBO was also sick a day after me we figured it out that the only food item we had both had, hamburgers! They were actually from God's own supermarket, Lidl. So SWMBO chucked everything that we had cooked lately and stored in the fridge out, including any frozen stuff, so taking no chances.



I'm now on my second day of water only and although feeling a lot better, a bit dizzy at times, also passing wind is still a flip of a coin, a chancy business.



Weather is overcast but reasonably warm and remain like this for the next few days or so.



This is the Sunday SWMBO has been waiting for since we got here, because the famous “Bull Ring” craft market is held in Roquetas every month and she missed the last one. So she is off to it on her own because quite honestly I could not take the chance on walking the 5 miles there and back. Unfortunately she gets to take money with her without my prudent presence in attendance, so I can see an antique artifact adorning the walls of the MS when she gets back. “I'll just take a €50 note you can't take too much can you?” Er... actually yes you can.

She came back 3 hours later with two books, a headscarf and little change.

Jonny no mates campsite, they were full last week!

The "dry" river bed.

I'm on to the last book about King Alfred and the Danes, by Bernhard Cornwall. Based on historical fact but “fictionalised” to make reasonably good reading, very much like his “Sharpe” books. I'm also planning to do some of those things I was going to “get round to” if I can be arsed to do so.

The site is gradually emptying as people disappear either further on in their journeys or back home.



The plan to spend a couple of days in Granada is on the back burner for the moment, thank God we did not go last week as planned, then again we would not have eaten the burgers but of course that would have just been putting off trouble until another day.



We are quite away through “Life on Earth” and it's nice to see David Attenborough getting older again, he looked weird when he was younger and you can really tell how far the actual quality of production has come on through the years.



Just been for a shower, God it feels good, hot and powerful. I don't like baths, I know a lot of people do but I can't see the point in lying in water that's gradually getting dirtier as you wash. I mean where do you start? Your hair? That's greasy. Your feet? They are smelly. Your “bits?” Well let's not go there shall we? Of course if you are not a proper Englishman you make even take it upon yourself relieve yourself, who gets out of the bath for that eh? I know I didn't, so what the hell are you washing in now!



Where as in a shower you can do anything and still come out smelling of roses, or apple, or mint sauce, depending on your shower gel, says so in the scriptures, doesn't it?



Monday morning 4:30am and I can't sleep, slept too much dozing in the chair yesterday I guess. Good news is that although there have been rumblings, everything seems to be OK “down there”, although SWMBO did insist I wore two pairs of underpants in bed, just in case. Funny thing is I tried a can of my favourite lager and a taste of wine and didn't like either and THREW them away. I did not want to admit this but, and keep it quiet mind, but I also threw out what was left, well half actually, of the last gallon of vino I had bought.

It had been open a while and because I had not been drinking it, on SWMBO express command, because of the food poisoning, it had started tasting, well, a bit like vinegar, funny that?



Now someone once told me if you keep wine too long it goes off and tastes of vinegar, I've never kept wine too long, or even long, so how would I know? Also you should let a wine “breath” and if it doesn't look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth resuscitation asap.



Also this waking up stone cold sober each morning it a little hard to get used to and I'm not used to it. Come on, who wants to remember what happened in the last hour before you went to bed?



Probably had another argument with SWMBO about how I would be living like a GOD with two Ferrari's and plenty of young women hanging off my body, if I'd seen sense and not married her. I mean isn't it better not to remember such words the next morning so you can snuggle up and start the day afresh? Also when you wake up, the day gets no better.



Stop bloody press!



Just cleared the fridge of any food stuffs that we thought even might be a problem and it turns out the most of the inmates in our local have had and some are still suffering exactly what we had. I wonder if those hambugers are retrievable from the main bin?

Thursday 4th March Roquetas and the pain!

Absolutely no photos today!

Yep, food poisoning, big time, not just a queasy stomach, I mean opening up the sluices at both ends, but mainly the posterior. Started out yesterday at a basic “not feeling well”, pains in stomach, a chill, no appetite, just feeling “off”. Put it down to not drinking enough of God’s own healing liquid last night so it must be the food.

Now all I had the day before was a rather large salad for lunch and a cheese and onion roll in the evening, quaffed down with the usual. What was in the salad? Well just about everything including even, some lettuce, what else, ah yes, moules, tinned. The rest was pickles, raw onions, olives, egg, chillies, beetroot, anchovies, branston, some bread and a cup of tea. So it was either the tea or the bread, obvious isn’t it? The rest are standard fare.

Well it got so bad I had to retire to bed, that’s when the pains, down there, started. “Got a bit of wind there” I thought, as my stomach started to make noises as if I had a dozen of so frog,s mating down there, the next minute/second I was on the loo, taking no prisoners.

We, SWMBO and me, have a basic rule that when on camp site’s #2’s are generally taken care of using their facilities, err, not this time. There was no way I was going to waddle like an Emperor penguin down to toilet block #6, clamping my cheeks together all the way. So all I got was “At least put the fan on!”

It reminded me of the time I had to go into hospital when I was a lot younger. In those days if you have not been to the bog for 3 days, you have therefore “volunteered” for an enema. God what an experience! Nurse comes, shoves a tube up your bottom, pump in warm soapy liquid and then tells you the bog is 120 yards away “round that corner”. So there you are, arse flapping out of the back of your gown, cheeks clenched, heels together hoping at least one trap is available. Got there and got back to bed. “Sorry you have to have another one with barium in it.” “Eh….!” Off you go again, I got in, completed the necessary and then there was a knock on the door. I replied, “Who goes there, friend or enema?”

Well this was the story for the rest of the day, at one point I thought I would never be able to fart audibly again. Until the evening came, then disaster!

Looking up the “cures” on the internet, I found “drink lots of liquids, no food”. No problems here I thought reaching for the nearest six pack.

“Err, that means no beer either, mate!” I heard from SWMBO.

“You cannot seriously mean no beer, man! Oh well I’ll stick to wine then.”

“No! Nothing but water!”

Silence, tic, tock, on the wall from the clock and a tumbleweed goes rolling by.










“I’ll die you know.”


Of course, come dinner time, she is a great help, sitting down in front of me with a plate of hamburgers, baked peppers and rice, helped on it’s way with a glass of red wine, has she got no soul?

Also because she did not want me making any “mistakes” I was chucked out of the main bed and had to use the “rock & roll” bed, have you tried it Z?, ‘cos comfy it’s not, and I was given a “throw” for a blanket.

So today is going to be a lazy day, because I’m not planning to be more than a few yards from the nearest toilet and I might try a couple of cups of weak tea and dry toast.

“Lunch”, however, turned out to be a cup of Oxo. Now I don't know about you but an Oxo in a cup of boiling water with some bread was half a meal for me when I was a kid. Although I was not looking forward to it after all these years but it tasted great; it may have to do with the fact that other than weak tea and water, all that I had had for the last 36 hours was basically nothing!

It takes me back to when I used to go and watch my hero, centre half, Charlie Hurley, take on all comers at Roker Park for Sunderland F.C., in then what was the first division. Brian Clough played at centre forward and I could not wait for every other Saturday to come round. I always used the uncovered “Roker end”, providers of the famous “Roker Roar”. In winter when it was chucking it down with rain and Sunderland scored, you suddenly felt a warm glow down your back and legs, it was either the guy behind you had spilt his Oxo or, because he couldn’t be arsed to go, was pissing on you.

Back to the realities of Spain.

Still sun is shining and no wind, well not quite true I guess.

SWMBO seems to be coming down with something, I don’t think it’s Alice, although Christopher Robin came down with it.  7 pm,Tucked up in bed now, with her penguin.

Tuesday 2nd March 2010, Roquetas and not a lot happening.

Yep, most days start off dull and then brighten up, sometimes getting up to 25°C and if the wind is light it is very hot. So it's been a case of cycling along the beach or into Roquetas, coffee and then back to the MS for a lie down and read.



Saw an unusual sight the other day on the beach. As you can see from the picture, it looks like a caravan being transported by a flat bed lorry. Nope, the thing is actually welded together and is a kind of motorhome?

Been using Skype a lot and out of idleness search for people who had the same surname. Came up with my brother who lives in Crook near Durham. Now that might not seem particularly interesting but it was because I haven't actually talked to him in about 10 years, don't know why he just stopped returning calls.



So I decided to press the button, and there he was!

Well it was a little strange at first and then we were talking as if we had been down the pub together the other day. I had known that he had been ill, from my other brother, I'm the eldest of four brothers, both parents now dead. It turns out he has slight Parkinson's disease and in the last 6 months both kidneys failed and he is now on dialysis (manual) four times a day. Good grief! After six months on the sick he has lost his job as a Chief Engineer (marine) with an oriental tanker company and now has to sign on, bloody hell's teeth!

Could be I've got a brother back.



Alan and Pat Swan, our ex motorcycling partners, are planning to come over for a short visit at the end of March. Weather should be OK but we will need extra chairs, duvet's and pillow, so now SWMBO has some real shopping to do. Not going to be cheap though, the €25 per person each way are now more like €90 because it's so close to Easter.



Yesterday was a holiday here, we didn't find out why because there was nothing in the calendar that suggested it should be, it turns out that it's “Andalusia” day which, for some obscure reason known only to the Spanish, was moved from 20th February to 1st March?



Heather, second born, now moved out of house to a flat, about 10 miles away, with her boyfriend, Olly. Seems to take about 30 minutes off her journey into London, so that's a plus. Her bedroom may now be taken over by Mark, another friend of Adam's.



Been planning where to stay May-June when the Leadbetter's, Jean and Derek, arrive from P&O ferry in their caravan. Looks like somewhere close to Pamplona which is a cracking place. We stayed there last year during the time of the “Bull run” and it's quite a city.



The camp site is slowly emptying, as was projected, and by the end of this month we will be Jonny no mates, still no queuing for the showers then?



Finally! SWMBO talked me into playing Ludo, mainly because there is very little skill (wrong!) so that with some luck she will finally win something. She was and she did, blast, the we drew(?) at draughts.



Tuesday afternoon and it's been raining all day so off to the shopping Mall in Almeria. SWMBO managed to buy a “summer dress”,(summer ha!) “that will go with everything”, usual story. I went into Alcamp and they had a “reduced €” isle, got a new saw, ponchos and bicycle clips, a screw driver that goes round corners and new saddle bags for my bike, all for less than she paid for the dress!

This weather's in for a while so by tomorrow I'll be Ludo'd out unless I can convince her to play chess, a real proper man's game, I think not.



She's ironing at the moment and likes the idea of looking out of one window, then turning the ironing board round for a view out of the other window, can it get better than that?



It's also a record that we have not blown the 10Amp trip for 2 days running. I was trying to get her to understand what watts and amps are and their relationship to not blowing the trip. “Right Pet, divide the number of watts by, lets make it easy and call it 250 volts”. “OK?” “Right, the kettle says it takes 2kw”. “You did not tell me about those!” “OK, OK, a Kw is 1,000 watts”. “What is?”

“A bloody Kw!” “Let's start again, if you have 1,000 watts that's the same as a Kw, so 2 Kw is 2,000 watts, OK.” “So where do the volts come in then?”

“They come in from the socket on the wall”, “A what socket?” “No, it's a volt socket, well and a watt socket as well, they also come out of there”. “Make up your mind.”

“It's the 230 v mains socket, that the kettle plugs into.” “I thought you said it was 250 v?” “I was just trying to keep it simple”.

“Well it's not bloody simple to me!”

“Right, the kettle takes 2,000 watts, how many amps does that make?” “80?” “Er, close but no cigar, it would blow the MS up at 80 amps, it's nearer 8. OK?”

“See that electric iron in your hand, that's also 2 Kws.” “Don't be silly you can't make the tea with an iron, anyway why don't we just plug it into 12 v then, that sounds like it would be less.”

“It's a mains kettle, does not work on 12 v.” “So what happens if there's no mains?” “We would use gas for everything, the gas kettle, the fridge, heating etc.”

“Will that not trip the thingy then?” “Well no, because that's electric and you're talking about gas”

“So gas isn't Kw's then?”

“Well yes it's measured in Kw's now, but it used to be BTU's.”

“What's a BTU?”

Gun to my head, bang!